Sometimes I wonder if my mother has forgotten that I’m bisexual. While I’m certain that most people would remember that their daughter’s sexual orientation, my mother has never really had a reason to. I don’t date, I don’t flirt intentionally, I don’t go out… There really isn’t a reason that my sexuality would be brought up at all, really.
But she knows I’m bisexual. I told her. I remember her nearly swerving into the side of the building. Who knows? Maybe she’s in denial/repressing/whatever. Still, it is extremely uncomfortable for my mom to talk about how she doesn’t really like homosexuals or bisexuals too much because they make her uncomfortable when I’m sitting right next to her. I want to go, “Hey, mom? Remember me?” but it just never seems to come out.
My mom was supportive before, when the thought was still fresh in her mind, I guess. But now… She’s…not. Well, that’s inaccurate; she isn’t not supportive, she just seems to have forgotten. I know that she really doesn’t like gay people deep down inside, and I realize that, before, she was just trying to make me feel better. I kind of went along with it; I guess I was hoping that if she tried to make me believe, then I would.
I don’t like to think of myself as being closeted. If someone asks me what my orientation is, I’ll tell them. However, I still can’t say that I’m bisexual with the confidence I’d like. I’m still scared that someone’s going to shoot me one day because I like girls. I’m afraid of the possible bullying, the possible harassment, the possible who knows what that I’d really rather not think about.
I’m also afraid of alienation. I like girls, much more than I like guys, but I like having friendships with them as well. I think that for a lot people, they get this image that bisexual and homosexual people will hit on anything that the same gender as they are. It isn’t true. If heterosexual people having friends that are the opposite gender is acceptable and ordinary, then why can’t gays and bisexuals have friends with the same gender be a possibility in people’s minds? I guess it really all stems to the stereotypes that are so prevalent in society or something.
But really, I’m afraid that those female friends of mine who don’t already know I’m bisexual find out, they’ll distance themselves from me because they’re scared/uncomfortable. I understand that there will always be some amount of discomfort, but I really don’t want to lose my friends over this.
Really, sexuality is annoying. Some days I wish I could be asexual so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this. In addition to my insecurities, the fact that I’m find men less and less appealing is troubling me. I’ve been only attracted to one guy in the past, what, five years? And even then, it’s a crush that started in third grade. I’ve lost count on how many girls I’ve been infatuated with.
I don’t even know why it’s troubling me so much. So I’m not attracted to guys much. So what? I shouldn’t be worried, but I still am.
Augh. I hate teen angst. And hormones. =(
